Classic Springtime Literature
10. Catch 22 Airborne Allergies
9. The Pollen of Wrath
8. In With the Wind
7. The Sound and the Fury: A Guide to Tornado Season
6. The Postman Rings Twice: Three Times if He’s Delivering Baby Chicks
5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Blossom
4. Pride and Prejudice: The Tulip Wars of 1799
3. The Lord of the Bees
2. A Hitchhiker’s Guide to Manure
1. The Old Man and the Seed Catalog
Comments Eric Doesn’t Want to Hear About His Newborn Girl
9. “Well, bless her little heart.”
8. “Ok everyone, back up, don’t make eye contact, I’m calling for reinforcements.”
7. “You usually don’t see a unibrow in someone so young.”
6. “Tease that hair just right and you won’t see those little horns at all.”
5. “They are something else; oh wait, there’s just one isn’t there?”
4. “Some of her facial hair will fall off on its own.”
3. “Do you have Elves somewhere in your lineage?”
2. “Breathtaking!” (Consult your Seinfeld dictionary).
1. “Eric, she looks just like you.”
Ways to Reduce the National Deficit
10. End welfare: Have soldiers plant gardens to feed the hungry.
9. Copyright the quote: “If I had a dime for every time. . .”
8. Give mailmen (more) guns and let them police the streets.
7. Evict the United Nations and sell the building to Donald Trump.
6. As long as we are being aggressive these days, take over Canada and use it for paid parking.
5. Develop a television show called: The Real Housewives of the Supreme Court.
4. Sell all government land back to the Indians for some of that sweet casino cash.
3. Open up the national parks to big game safari hunts.
2. Teach groping TSA agents the art of massage for weary travellers.
1. Sell Obama’s real birth certificate to the highest bidder.
Situations It’s just Best to Avoid
10. Getting a bit of popcorn stuck in your teeth . . . for days.
9. Shopping for back-to-school clothes in the husky section.
8. Getting yourself trapped in an elevator with two economists.
7. Getting trapped anywhere with Joel Osteen.
6. Watching the entire Jerry Lewis Telethon.
5. Biting into a bit of egg shell or any egg with feet.
4. Drinking a liquid and feeling a solid.
3. Playing outside in your church clothes or inside with your gun.
2. Eating beets that are canned or cauliflower that is fresh.
1. Attending the Ice-Capades.
Signs that Spring has arrived at Saint Peter Church
10. Pastel headcoverings
9. Eric gets yelled at for using the word Easter.
8. The woolly beards are trimmed up, even the men’s.
7. We “spring forward” and 42% of the church arrives to worship an hour late.
6. A lot more sermons on lambs.
5. Little boys in short white pants.
4. Pastel goats
3. Laurence in short pants
2. Even though it looks like he’s still wearing some, RC Jr. starts going sockless.
1. Lots of new babies!
Sports Proposed for the 2012 London Summer Olympics
(as submitted by the Saint Peter Olympic Committee of Mendota)
10. Cow Tipping: Points awarded both for size of cow dropped and size of patties stepped in.
9. Goat Milking: Bonus points for using just one hand or just two feet.
8. Porch Rocking: A Marathon Event
7. Sheep Tossing: Judged for both distance and style.
6. Whittling: Start with a Redwood, end with a twig.
5. Duathalon: Biggest beard and most blood on your jeans (a.k.a. the DJ Hammond contest)
4. Three boys, four hounds and a chicken sack race.
3. Pond Swimming: Fastest time with the fewest leaches wins.
2. Smelling Socks the dog: A Marathon Event
1. Maintaining an expressionless face as strangers ask for directions.
More Headlines We’d Love to See
10. Federal Vision Question Settled Through MMA Cage Match
9. Angry Blogging Causes Finger Cancer
8. Cheetos Reverse Hair Loss
7. Joel Osteen to Preach Through Lamentations
6. Sunshine Friendship Community Meeting Place with Free Starbucks renamed Holy Lord Cathedral
5. Soccer Ministry Folds! Football Ministry Launched!
4. “Wacky Youth,” Still Here Seniors,” “SAD: Single and Divorced” Groups Disband and Re-form as “The Church.”
3. Willow Creek Pastor Admits Ministry Model is Bankrupt (Whoops, this was an actual headline.)
2. Ann Taylor and Laura Ashley Launch Competing Headcover Divisions
1. Rural Pastor Becomes Chicken Tycoon!
Top Ten Children’s Books Under a Hillary Clinton Administration
10. How the Grinch Stole Kwanza and Why This Really isn’t a Crime Because the Grinch is the Victim Here.
9. White Fang: Hillary, the Arkansas Years.
8. The Boxcar Children Meet Social Services
7. Where the Red Fern Grows: How the United Nations is Preserving Nature for You. Alternate Title: No You Can’t Touch That Flower!
6. Winnie the Pooh: One Bear’s Struggle Against Honey Addiction (An Oprah Book of the Month Selection)
5. Little Women: Height and Age Discriminations Caused by a Patriarchial Male Dominated Society
4. Little Housing Project Where the Prairie Used to Be
3. Clifford the Big Native American Dog
2. James and the Giant Peach: The Tragedy of Global Warning or Ice Age or Climate Change and It’s Effect on the Fruit Industry.
1. Nancy Drew Beats Up the Hardy Boys
Amish Christmas Presents
10. Harry Potter and the Attack of the Shiny Buttons
9. A box with an X on it.
8. Barnraising for Dummies
7. A Plain-ela Anderson Doll
6. Rogaine: Mustache Formula
5. The greatest hits of Humble Pie
4. A Timex wrist sundial
3. Pacifist Joseph Action figure with the plowing grip
2. Thee, Thy and Thou: The Amazing Story of the Leuchtenmuller Triplets
1. A buggy bumper sticker: Honk of you Loved Witness
Greatest Christmas Movies Never Made
10. The Snelephant Man: A half-melted horrifyingly disfigured Frosty tries to get by in society.
9. Casa White Christmas: The Nazi invasion of the North Pole drives the elves into the arms of Bing Crosby who retrains them as singers and dancers.
8. Saving Private Rudolph: Santa must find Rudolph to guide his sleigh but unfortunately he’s busy fighting the Nazis. SPOILER: Blitzen gets Blitzkrieged.
7. Santa’s List: A kindly man pays to remove children’s names from the naughty list.
6. Braveheart Home Alone: Young William Wallace fights off home invaders and celebrates by eating way too much English candy giving him both a tummy ache and a newfound enemy.
5. The Silence of the Sun: Frosty the Snowman fights global warming.
4. The Clausfather: A toymaker kingpin uses heavyhanded means to hold on to his monopoly.
3. It’s a Wonderful Country for Old Men: George Bailey heads out west to combat a now murderous Mr. Potter.
2. Claus of Arabia: Santa, sick of the cold, moves his operations to the Sahara Desert.
1. Gone with the Tree: The Grinch leads an evil band of Yankees to steal all of Tara’s Christmas decorations.
Baby Names for the Hard core Christian couple when Jonathan and Lydia just won’t do.
10. Dorcas: Warning: She will get called “The Dork.”
9. Habakkuk. Possible nickname: “Triple K.”
8. Ecclesiastes: His mother will insist the kids call him by his full name and he’s going to end up eating a lot of dirt.
7. Acts: As a teen he’ll start going by “Axe” and the girls will just love him.
6. Malachi: “Chi Chi” Good for a boy or a girl.
5. Zerubbabel Bego Abiud: Two names or three depending on the parents’ Bible knowledge.
4. Mordecai: “Morty” He’ll end up Messianic Jew.
3. Hacim: Micah backwards for the coverted Muslim.
2. Lamentation: Probably won’t get a lot of party invites.
1. Benaiah the Pirathonite. Ain’t nobody gonna mess with “The Pirate.”
Things RC has learned since moving to Orlando
10. If you get tired of working for “the man” you can always work for “the rat.”
9. You can brush it off, floss it out, take a really long shower (with military grade loufa) and you’ll still have sand in places you’d rather not.
8. You know you’re in the land of the mega-church when the “chapel” has a three acre footprint.
7. In spite of his deeply held beliefs RC gladly accepts Obama’s air-conditioning subsidy.
6. Jimmy Buffet coming to town and playing a concert with his flowery shirt on represents the high water mark of local culture.
5. The dictionary calles them Plecia nearctica, Reilly calls them “Wuve Bugs” but Florida car owners have more colorful words for them.
4. In the cruelest way, just as soon as rush hour ends, the amusement parks let out.
3. You can start out in the south, move 700 miles further south and still end up in the north.
2. It’s essential to go outside at 3:41 a.m. on February 5th cuz this is the coolest it’s gonna get.
1. The roaches – for pity sake – fly!
Most Disappointing Christmas Presents Ever
10. A brand new bike! (assembly required)
9. A really big box! (with a tiny present inside)
8. Battery Operated Monster Truck! (batteries not included)
7. Three gifts from Aunt Helen! (with three sweaters inside)
6. An Authentic NFL Jersey (of the wrong team)
5. A BB gun! (That you’ll have to grow up to use)
4. Candy! (Sugar free)
3. A book! (Algebra for dummies)
2. A Family Vacation! (to the James A. Garfield birthplace)
1. Set of Lord of the Rings Action Figures! (two Smeagols, no Frodo)
Lessons to young men from my first year of marriage by Eric Owens
10. Be warned: “I’m not hungry” means she’ll be eating half of yours.
9. You will be exposed to her, with all your ugly little faults and sins and she’ll be happily oblivious to most of them.
8. She is going to put on ten pounds . . . and so will you.
7. “I’ll be right there, I just have to wash my hair” is her equivalent of your “I’ll be right here, there are only two minutes left in the game.”
6. Putting the toilet seat down pays dividends when she doesn’t fall in at night and wake you up.
5. You’ll start seeing your sins in her life which is a great motivator towards working on your own sanctification.
4. Cuddling is not optional, it’s mandatory and it really makes her happy so that’s another good reason.
3. You find yourself saying “we” a lot as in “Yes, We would like to get the Total Football Viewing Package.”
2. Each day, inexplicably she becomes sweeter and more beautiful.
1. An excellent wife is more precious than jewels!